Where to point to?

Why do we view something that didn’t work out as we wanted as bad? A relationship fails. We get unfairly fired from a job. A friendship ends.

Why do we have to find someone to blame? Why do we feel we need to hate, be mad at or blame someone or something? Or if we are more ‘spiritually evolved’ and realize that we are part of the equation, that our beliefs and patterns helped co-create a situation, we still may hate, get mad at and blame, but this time ourselves.

Someone must be responsible! Someone must be punished, we think. We need to know. We need an answer. We need to point a finger at something, someone.

I would say many do not even realize they are blaming or resenting, but even being angry with ourselves is a form of blame, resentment and harsh judgment.

Why can’t we view these ‘failures’ as a learning experience or just an experience? An opportunity to grow? An opportunity to see deeper parts of ourselves? Why do they have to be ugly, wrong, stupid or bad?

One theory. That is what we were taught when we were children and/or perceived with the mind of a child. When we did something ‘wrong’, or something they didn’t like, or we failed at something, we were made to feel (or felt through our own perception of their reactions), that we are bad, stupid, ugly, not worthy, etc. And who wants to feel that?

So we need someone/something to blame for this experience or these feelings. And if no one else can tell you as a child that it is okay to make a mistake and that it doesn’t mean you are bad, dumb, unworthy, inferior, or if they can’t admit they were actually wrong,  you carry the burden of blame and shame yourself. A huge and complex burden for little shoulders to carry.

This is then instilled in your belief system and becomes the patterns by which you behave by and the way of seeing things and experiencing things in life.

So, how do we learn to really just experience things, especially things that don’t seem to work out in our favour, or as we wanted, or the experiences that hurt us? And how do we also not make them mean something about ourselves? 

How do we accept those experiences without needing to cast blame or make someone wrong or bad and deserving of punishment for their actions?

 Theories? Ponderings?

The Child

Who is it that is reacting this way? Feeling so full of self-pity? Feeling so pained? Breaking down in tears? Not accepting? Not letting go? Making it mean that I am not good enough, worthy enough, special enough? Who is having this internal temper tantrum? Where is this coming from?

My 5-year-old self.

She has been awakened -- all her repressed, unexpressed, misunderstood pain. Old perceptions that she still believes: someone else’s behaviours mean something about her; not realizing it is about them. Perceptions of a 5-year-old still imprinted in my mind, in my heart & in my soul. And I am doing to her, just what was done to her/me.

Doubting her thoughts, her feelings, her choices. Getting mad at her for being so sensitive and behaving this way. Not understanding her, rather just trying to get her to stop, to shut up. Not nurturing her hurt, rather punishing her for it. Belittling her for being a cry baby. Telling her the way she is reacting is not right. Then, continuing to allow her to believe that it is her. She is not good enough, worthy enough, special enough. And this just compounds the hurt and the lack of confidence. It’s not someone else doing this to her now or making her feel this way…it is now me!

I am doubting me; I am belittling me, I am not being understanding….and so on. I think it hurts even more when we hurt ourselves.

We do to ourselves what was done to us because this is all we know. Yet we don’t even realize we are doing it. A break up triggered all the pain and beliefs my 5-year-old self has been carrying and believing all these years. She is still very much alive. She is still very much in pain. She is still very much in need of healing.

And so how would a healthy, loving, adult – a parent treat a child, her own child if she knew she was feeling this way. Believing these things about herself? A nurturing parent would say something like: Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be mad. You know what you are talking about. You can trust yourself. You are good enough. You do deserve to be treated with love and respect. You can do and be anything you want. You are smart. You are talented. You are just as good as anyone else. Don’t believe what people tell you about you. Don’t let other people’s behaviours mean anything about you. Don’t take things personally. Know that you are worthy, smart, special, loveable and deserve to be treated in such a way. Believe in yourself! Something like that…

So what I need to heal is NOT him. Is not having him see “the light”, or apologizing or validating what I said. Not needing to see him unhappy. Not needing him & his gf to break up to validate my beliefs that his relationship with his ex was unhealthy and thus not conducive to having a healthy relationship with me. Not needing him to realize that HE fucked up and that He lost someone great. NO, what I need is me. I need me to believe in me. I need me to validate me. I need me to believe I am something great. I need to be that nurturing, loving, understanding parent (not that my Mom wasn’t) to myself.

All he really did was made my 5-year-old self known to my 40-something-year-old self.