Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Child

Who is it that is reacting this way? Feeling so full of self-pity? Feeling so pained? Breaking down in tears? Not accepting? Not letting go? Making it mean that I am not good enough, worthy enough, special enough? Who is having this internal temper tantrum? Where is this coming from?

My 5-year-old self.

She has been awakened -- all her repressed, unexpressed, misunderstood pain. Old perceptions that she still believes: someone else’s behaviours mean something about her; not realizing it is about them. Perceptions of a 5-year-old still imprinted in my mind, in my heart & in my soul. And I am doing to her, just what was done to her/me.

Doubting her thoughts, her feelings, her choices. Getting mad at her for being so sensitive and behaving this way. Not understanding her, rather just trying to get her to stop, to shut up. Not nurturing her hurt, rather punishing her for it. Belittling her for being a cry baby. Telling her the way she is reacting is not right. Then, continuing to allow her to believe that it is her. She is not good enough, worthy enough, special enough. And this just compounds the hurt and the lack of confidence. It’s not someone else doing this to her now or making her feel this way…it is now me!

I am doubting me; I am belittling me, I am not being understanding….and so on. I think it hurts even more when we hurt ourselves.

We do to ourselves what was done to us because this is all we know. Yet we don’t even realize we are doing it. A break up triggered all the pain and beliefs my 5-year-old self has been carrying and believing all these years. She is still very much alive. She is still very much in pain. She is still very much in need of healing.

And so how would a healthy, loving, adult – a parent treat a child, her own child if she knew she was feeling this way. Believing these things about herself? A nurturing parent would say something like: Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be mad. You know what you are talking about. You can trust yourself. You are good enough. You do deserve to be treated with love and respect. You can do and be anything you want. You are smart. You are talented. You are just as good as anyone else. Don’t believe what people tell you about you. Don’t let other people’s behaviours mean anything about you. Don’t take things personally. Know that you are worthy, smart, special, loveable and deserve to be treated in such a way. Believe in yourself! Something like that…

So what I need to heal is NOT him. Is not having him see “the light”, or apologizing or validating what I said. Not needing to see him unhappy. Not needing him & his gf to break up to validate my beliefs that his relationship with his ex was unhealthy and thus not conducive to having a healthy relationship with me. Not needing him to realize that HE fucked up and that He lost someone great. NO, what I need is me. I need me to believe in me. I need me to validate me. I need me to believe I am something great. I need to be that nurturing, loving, understanding parent (not that my Mom wasn’t) to myself.

All he really did was made my 5-year-old self known to my 40-something-year-old self.


  1. My sweet and dear Brunette.

    I've been missing you so badly, your comments, but especially these posts of yours where I swim as if in the ocean I call home...
    For I feel so realated to all this you write about...
    There is this little girl in us who, when she gets the power we go to that never ending path or tunnel... thus we must take hold of her and have a serious conversation with her and tell her she is safe with the woman we are, but that she has no place in the way to maturity, she is a natural companion, but no way can she take the power.

    I've learnt to talk to her, and it's great when she goes back to sleep in complete serenity and calmnesss. that's the only way for me to sleep as well (LOL)... and, of course, NO MAn can take advantage of the strength of that your girl to become your guide, for only YOU can be your guide, or you are LOSt!

    And I think I need to say no more... just that> I love ya!

  2. I do not enjoy being only the second one to comment here...but every word what you write is true, correct, and valid. Moreover, many might read this and know themselves--or begin the process of knowing.

    Your words here about yourself are a service to whoever drops by to read, and whoever walks away shaking their head, saying, "WOW!"

    This DOES apply to men as well, I guess you know--or maybe not.

    Why can we not all just unmask? Where is the fear of that....since we ARE all so alike in these matters.

    Excellent post. thank you!

  3. The innocence and apathy of childhood can always be replaced and relived to a certain extent, even in adulthood SB!
    Its not about filling time with TV, books or meditation either. Its got to be self belief and self worth?

    You write these words? You open yourself? You bare your soul to strangers? You have validated yourself so many times through your honesty and heart felt words. Its easy for me to say..SO I FECKING WILL!... but he didn't deserve you, what you are and what you will become.
    The sad reality is that sometimes we give ourselves away to people can't even see us..

    I've done it...
    might do again.
    You follow your heart but its so SO easy to get fooled.


    Please look after yourself SB!

  4. awww....shucks, you guys make me blush. Thanks for your support. I feel the love :)