Monday, November 1, 2010

The Right Medicine

I have come to an end of a chapter…so this will be my final post…for now.

November 1, two years ago was the day I got up close and personal to my inner wounds. Catalyzed by a break up.

It turned out, I was being given medicine from the Universe. It tasted like poison, but it was MY medicine, the medicine that would heal wounds I didn’t even know I had.

He was a Medicine Man of sorts. Giving me a dose of homeopathic medicine: drawing out the poison with the same poison.

I realized through an honest and raw probing of my feelings and reactions after the break up that these feelings were really hidden fragments of ME, and have very little to do with him.

A painful, emotional rollercoaster ride that had me feeling lost, confused, sad, angry, resentful, self-pitying, worthless, doubtful, insecure…and did I mention, confused.

I didn’t get it. What was going on? An 8 month relationship…that I chose (although didn’t want to) end, and this is what I am left with: a mess of dark, crazy feelings to sift through?!

And I kept the story alive; I couldn’t let go. I was trying to find an answer, trying to find a reason, trying to make it make sense…whatever that would have been. I was just trying to quiet the noise, soothe the pain and feel okay again. I want to end my suffering. I wanted a way out of my painful feelings.

“A whole person is one who has both walked with God and wrestled with the Devil.” ~ Carl Jung

It’s funny how we hold on to things, replay them in our head over and over, trying to figure it out, wishing we would have said this, done that, analyzing it to death, believing we can find some sort of answer or something that will make us feel better. Whatever that really could possibly be, who knows, but we try in vain to find it… yet we never do because it doesn’t exist.

We hold on to the anger, pain, resentment thinking that this will in some way correct something, make us right, punish them, change things. We don’t let go until we find something that will give us some peace, make us feel better again, make us feel like we are okay.
It’s crazy and it’s distorted thinking, but it’s what we do.

But the craziest thing about it is that it is this very need to have it be different, that keeps us stuck in the place we are trying to get out of. It is what is causing the suffering…the clinging to how we think things should be.

The pain isn’t the pain; the hiding, running away from, the ignoring of, and the hating of it is the pain.

“The resistance to the unpleasant situation is the root of suffering.” ~ Ram Das

It is funny how we always want things to be different when they are challenging or cause us uncomfortable feelings that we don’t want to deal with. We, then, choose our default coping mechanism, which actually just keep us in the abyss of our suffering or a million miles away from our true selves, rather than taking a closer look at ourselves.

“What lies before us and what lies behind us is but a small matter compared to what lies within us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned that nothing needs to be different; that is NOT what will end my painful emotions. I needed to change to make me feel better, not him.

And by change, I don’t mean I needed to change my thoughts and perceptions I had about him and the choices he made (I did ENOUGH self-doubting), rather I needed to change my thoughts and perceptions about myself…the ones that created the ego wounds, the self sabotaging beliefs and patterns. The very ones that lead me to have this relationship with this person.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl

Our wounds are wise; perhaps the wisest part of us.

We don’t come by our wounds by accident. They are meant to be ours. They are part of a larger purpose.

Our wounds carry within them the answers we look out there for.

Our wounds embrace our true gifts.

So as I close this chapter of my life, I will carry forth a very precious gift: the chance to get intimate with me/my deep, dark hidden wounds. Giving me the opportunity to understand them, accept them, love them, and heal them. Transform them. So that they can serve the beautiful purpose they were meant to in this life.

“Go on a journey from self to SELF, my friend…such a journey transforms the earth into a mine of Gold.” ~ Rumi


  1. good god what was happening in November 2008 to make all of our lives so tremendously affected? your situation, my father's death, a friend's major breakup, my last partner cheating on me, and other situations. powerful times and a powerful 2 years to evolve and look inward. (ps i have that RWE quote on my fridge!)

    i hope you consider continuing to write, even if it's in a new blog to commemorate a new chapter for yourself, as your talent with words is really beautiful and unique and inspirational to shlubs like Me :-)

    as a blog sista, i want to tell you (and hope this doesn't sound condescending) that i read your words and am proud of you. i don't think we tell each other these kinds of things enough, but you should know how powerful and amazing you are and by walking through, rather than around, your pain, you are allowing yourself to be broken OPEN, and not simply broken.


  2. Thanks EG: Not condescending at all, thank you for recognizing my strength to go through the pain, rather than around it, as you put it so eloquently.
    It seems like Nov. 2008 was a very precarious time...interesting, I do say.
    I will continue to read the blogs from time to time (I just felt it was taking up too much time and I was not taking care of others things in my life).

    Keep walking the warrior path, my blog sista!

  3. Good luck on your new chapter. And thanks for this post. It amazed me how a lot of what you said resignated with what I have been going through and feeling. Holding on and dissecting. Unable to completely let go and still not understanding what went wrong. thanks for putting that out there and I hope to read more from you soon when you discover your next chapter...

  4. you have come a long way in 2 years... keep on walking, you'll find your peaceful, magical self...

  5. Well SB...thank you so very much. You have always been brutally honest and a pleasure to read as you've found your voice and opened up.

    You've walked a very similar road to me. In fact, the reasons why we started our blogs was for the very same reason!

    I only have a couple of small scars left from the reason why I initially started writing but to be completely honest, I only ever feel them in the smallest sense if people mention them. My blog, more than anybody or anyone, helped to stitch me up and set me up again.

    And it was free!!

    As for the blog taking up to much of your time? I'm with you there. Especially when you want to deal with big issues and have to mentally feel as though your giving them 100 percent to?
    That's me right there!

    Its been wonderful reading you and observing the lovely woman that you so obviously are. Take care and that whiskey and coke is chilled!

  6. Thanks everyone for reading and replying on my posts. Greatly appreciated. It certainly gives one a sense of connection and validation.

    GF: I will get that Whiskey and Coke next time I am in England...which would be my first time in England :)