Thursday, August 12, 2010

Where to point to?

Why do we view something that didn’t work out as we wanted as bad? A relationship fails. We get unfairly fired from a job. A friendship ends.

Why do we have to find someone to blame? Why do we feel we need to hate, be mad at or blame someone or something? Or if we are more ‘spiritually evolved’ and realize that we are part of the equation, that our beliefs and patterns helped co-create a situation, we still may hate, get mad at and blame, but this time ourselves.

Someone must be responsible! Someone must be punished, we think. We need to know. We need an answer. We need to point a finger at something, someone.

I would say many do not even realize they are blaming or resenting, but even being angry with ourselves is a form of blame, resentment and harsh judgment.

Why can’t we view these ‘failures’ as a learning experience or just an experience? An opportunity to grow? An opportunity to see deeper parts of ourselves? Why do they have to be ugly, wrong, stupid or bad?

One theory. That is what we were taught when we were children and/or perceived with the mind of a child. When we did something ‘wrong’, or something they didn’t like, or we failed at something, we were made to feel (or felt through our own perception of their reactions), that we are bad, stupid, ugly, not worthy, etc. And who wants to feel that?

So we need someone/something to blame for this experience or these feelings. And if no one else can tell you as a child that it is okay to make a mistake and that it doesn’t mean you are bad, dumb, unworthy, inferior, or if they can’t admit they were actually wrong,  you carry the burden of blame and shame yourself. A huge and complex burden for little shoulders to carry.

This is then instilled in your belief system and becomes the patterns by which you behave by and the way of seeing things and experiencing things in life.

So, how do we learn to really just experience things, especially things that don’t seem to work out in our favour, or as we wanted, or the experiences that hurt us? And how do we also not make them mean something about ourselves? 

How do we accept those experiences without needing to cast blame or make someone wrong or bad and deserving of punishment for their actions?

 Theories? Ponderings?


  1. i've always been one to blame myself...that whole 'trying to throw your arms around the world' thing. it's taken a lot of practice to intellectually know that sometimes shit just happens that i gotta learn from, and that while it's good to be accountable, i don't have to beat myself up.

  2. I actually agree with EcoGrrl here.
    Even when things are going good and we feel that we're happy, often in a relationship? Real shit happens and we deal with it. Usually with a carefree 'whatever', or 'shit happens'.

    Its when we're down, feel alone and perhaps suffering, that the exact same things have the power to grab what's left of us and wring its little neck....

  3. Thanks for the comments. I must find some time to get to reading your posts because I love your words and reading your thoughts and feelings...the things that connect us all.
    EcoGrrl: If you are in Vancouver, let me know!

  4. i had plenty of nights in my younger years in vancouver b.c. - would love to come visit again, will let you know now that the train goes up there direct from pdx!