The Child

Who is it that is reacting this way? Feeling so full of self-pity? Feeling so pained? Breaking down in tears? Not accepting? Not letting go? Making it mean that I am not good enough, worthy enough, special enough? Who is having this internal temper tantrum? Where is this coming from?

My 5-year-old self.

She has been awakened -- all her repressed, unexpressed, misunderstood pain. Old perceptions that she still believes: someone else’s behaviours mean something about her; not realizing it is about them. Perceptions of a 5-year-old still imprinted in my mind, in my heart & in my soul. And I am doing to her, just what was done to her/me.

Doubting her thoughts, her feelings, her choices. Getting mad at her for being so sensitive and behaving this way. Not understanding her, rather just trying to get her to stop, to shut up. Not nurturing her hurt, rather punishing her for it. Belittling her for being a cry baby. Telling her the way she is reacting is not right. Then, continuing to allow her to believe that it is her. She is not good enough, worthy enough, special enough. And this just compounds the hurt and the lack of confidence. It’s not someone else doing this to her now or making her feel this way…it is now me!

I am doubting me; I am belittling me, I am not being understanding….and so on. I think it hurts even more when we hurt ourselves.

We do to ourselves what was done to us because this is all we know. Yet we don’t even realize we are doing it. A break up triggered all the pain and beliefs my 5-year-old self has been carrying and believing all these years. She is still very much alive. She is still very much in pain. She is still very much in need of healing.

And so how would a healthy, loving, adult – a parent treat a child, her own child if she knew she was feeling this way. Believing these things about herself? A nurturing parent would say something like: Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be mad. You know what you are talking about. You can trust yourself. You are good enough. You do deserve to be treated with love and respect. You can do and be anything you want. You are smart. You are talented. You are just as good as anyone else. Don’t believe what people tell you about you. Don’t let other people’s behaviours mean anything about you. Don’t take things personally. Know that you are worthy, smart, special, loveable and deserve to be treated in such a way. Believe in yourself! Something like that…

So what I need to heal is NOT him. Is not having him see “the light”, or apologizing or validating what I said. Not needing to see him unhappy. Not needing him & his gf to break up to validate my beliefs that his relationship with his ex was unhealthy and thus not conducive to having a healthy relationship with me. Not needing him to realize that HE fucked up and that He lost someone great. NO, what I need is me. I need me to believe in me. I need me to validate me. I need me to believe I am something great. I need to be that nurturing, loving, understanding parent (not that my Mom wasn’t) to myself.

All he really did was made my 5-year-old self known to my 40-something-year-old self.

When you are falling ... Let Go

This is what I learned in Yoga class tonight as I went into a pose I have went into successfully many times before – headstand.

I was getting up into my headstand at the top of my mat, my right leg was up and as I began to bring my left leg up in line with the right I started to lose a little balance, but that didn’t stop me, I kept going. I can do headstand! I’ll balance myself out as I keep going in this already unsturdy foundation, I thought. And as I started to sway more, the more I tried to get up into place. It wasn’t working, I was struggling and starting to fall out of it yet I continued to get into the “right” position rather than just go with it, to just fall. Go where I was going anyway. It would have been easier, less painful and certainly more graceful.

Wish I had this little piece of wisdom in my pocket about a year ago during a break up that caused me so much inner turmoil … I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the pain of breaking up, couldn’t let go of my expectations of the relationship, couldn’t let go of why he couldn’t understand, couldn’t let go of analyzing him, analyzing the relationship, couldn’t let go of the love we shared, the words he said, couldn’t let go of the why’s. Why did he do this? Why did this happen? Why couldn’t it work out? Why? And the more I held on, rather tried to hang on, the more suffering it caused me. My mind, my ego had a grip on me so tight that it was squeezing the life out of me. Yet it was the trying to hold on that caused the inner turmoil, the pain, the suffering more so than the actual break up, the fall.

Then I fell … awkwardly. Not awkwardly in a humiliating sense (although I am sure humility would have served me here instead of my ego mind), but in a potentially physically harmful way. My left leg fell over to the one side and I came crashing down on the side of my heel, my other leg fell forward over my head and my neck twisted sideways, while my hands were still grasping to hold on! When I fell, I felt a little stunned but I also had this weird sensation … an exhilaration. I had felt, for a very brief moment, like I was flying. Then I landed ... not so gracefully.

So, instead of all this time spent thinking, doubting, questioning, trying to get it right; instead of all these mental acrobatics that wouldn’t change the outcome anyway, all I needed to do was let go. LET GO. Just let go and land. On the solid ground beneath me. A stable place. Then try again from this new landing place.

Try again. I recommend falling, in fact, because it is your chance to really experience freedom, but try to fall with grace. You do that by letting go.

It is from falling that I have started to learn how to fly.