The Original Sin

REJECTION: The original wound

That’s where this relationship, this break up, this inner torment has lead me – to my original wound. I know and have always known that since this break up happened it wasn’t so much about him, the relationship or the break up. Hell, I knew all along he had emotional issues and I knew all along it wasn’t going to last. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I knew I couldn’t stay with someone whom I thought was emotionally unhealthy and whereas his behaviours (not mean) hurt me and made me feel…well rejected.

I went through feeling a connection with someone, feeling happines, feeling joy and helping someone open up and grow (and that happened to a certain extent), but when it stopped: I went through heartache, I went through attachment, I went through obsession, I went through self-hate, I went through resentment, I went through blame, I went through codependency, I went through ego pride. And going through all these layers (over and over again) brought me to the core wound: Rejection.

So what does rejection, then, mean to me? It must mean something very bad, very dark and ugly if it created all these other painful and destructive layers. Of course, they all were originally created as layers of protection. Protection from an emotion that was too confusing and too painful to look at.  This feeling that I most likely experienced in childhood at a very young age from someone I loved and looked up to, someone I thought was there to guide me, protect me and love me (in a healthy way.) So what meaning did I give this feeling, this feeling that I am sure I didn’t have a name for, let alone an understanding of? I guess I made it mean that I am not good enough, I am not worthy, I am not special enough, I have nothing special to offer, I am inferior, my thoughts and feelings are not valid, I am not worthy of healthy mature love and so on…

Which then lead me to look for validation of who I am through others… anyone, and obviously through others that have very similar dysfunctions as the original wounder. It led me to not believe in myself, to feel inferior, to not voice my opinion, to not be self-confident, to not trust my own thoughts and feelings, to be powerless and a victim and be unable to soothe my own pain. The feeling of rejection – rather perhaps actually just the belief of being rejected, has not only clouded my vision of who I am really am, but it has clouded my vision of others. And thus I project. Perhaps I project my true power, that in which I have not been able to connect to, onto others thus believing they are so wonderful, confident, talented, worthy and I cannot live without them. But I am wise at the core, because I do eventually see the real person but it becomes so difficult to believe what I see, to believe what I know deep down.

This feeling of rejection has even clouded my meaning of rejection. After all I was the one who chose not to accept him and his behaviours in my brief moment of connecting to my power. After all I do know that another’s behaviours have nothing to do with me and it is their crap, so rejection really isn’t REAL. My illusion. My delusion.

Pain as a gift?

Could this pain really be a gift? Is pain ultimately guiding us to our true selves? To live our destiny? Is it just our perceptions of pain that keeps us suffering? Do we misguidedly believe pain is bad and we must rid ourselves of it. Our conditioned belief that we cannot endure suffering and we must do anything to overcome it, rid ourselves of it no matter what the cost.

But what is the cost? Pushing down feelings, closing our hearts, living lives that are just barely tolerable and possibly creating illness in our bodies from unprocessed pain? I have read many times that many physical illnesses or chronic injuries in our body are caused by unresolved pain. There’s a whole book on back pain being contributed to addicts and alcoholics not facing their pain. Our emotions get lodged inside our bodies because if we can’t express them and choose to repress them, our bodies will express them for us.

Or another cost could be not realizing who we really are and allowing our fears, addictions and obsessions to rule our life, creating the same patterns of pain over and over again. Instead of going into our pain, we just remain on the surface of it or not even going close to it by running away from it. Instead of investigating the dark and embracing our wounds and feeling our painful emotions, we find something to distract ourselves … a new relationship or an addiction to a legal or illegal substance. But can you really run away from your pain? Can these distractions really soothe these pains for good?

Sometimes I wish I could do this. I really do. I still see pictures of my ex with his girlfriend, the one he got right after our intense (and his first sober) relationship, and wonder how can they still be together after a year. I thought she was just a bandaid to fill his void. I often wonder how is it she tolerates him having such a “close” and what I thought was a dysfunctional and codependent relationship with his ex if I couldn’t (which I go into in the post Happy New Me). I thought it was my semi self-esteem and self-value that had me choose to not tolerate that anymore. I thought it was my wise intuition that finally said “no more, it’s time to leave. You are right this is not healthy even if he is so sweet to you and you adore each other. Nothing good can come of this.”

But good came to him just two months later and a new admiring girlfriend that he has now had a relationship with longer than we had. And, me, I’m still here in the pain. Am I in the right place? Like the wise sages say, I am going through this pain, working through my feelings, really trying to process old wounds, yet I am still suffering. So how can I can believe this pain is a gift? How can I know I did the right thing, not only to leave, but to investigate this pain? To go down into this really dark place? Do I just need to embrace this suffering instead of trying to rid myself of it, believing this will lead me to my authentic self, to a happier ending? Is it really better to go into the pain like all the wise spiritual teachers say? Because I am not feeling it. Yes I know my perception probably needs to change, as do my self-defeating beliefs and on what I see/perceive in his life and his relationship. But it is really hard. I guess I want a guarantee that I will be free by doing all this deep and painful work. I want to see (want proof) that my "intuition" and my "courageousness" to leave was right. And by right, I want to see that it is not working out for him. That choosing to run away from your pain, run away from something good due to fears & codependency is not a good choice and that will lead to unhappiness and suffering. But I am seeing quite the opposite! Or perhaps I am just creating my own suffering by doing this. I don’t know. I want to believe one thing, but I don’t yet.

If pain truly is a gift, I am ready to accept my gift.

Thanks Dulce for inspiring me to post something. I have all this stuff locked away in my journal...

The Language is in the Knowing

We get all caught up in trying to describe stuff, label things or analyze something or someone, and we lose the real meaning of it all. Sure words are a useful form of communication, but often when we are trying to figure out an issue or facing a difficult challenge in our life, language just gets in the way.

Using language is what I have been doing for over a year now in trying to “understand” the break up, to get a handle on my emotions, and to try to quiet the demons in my head.
Analyzing all his issues, so I don’t have to believe my own self-defeating beliefs because he and the break up really TRIGGERED them.

Descriptions of all my emotions so I can better understand them and where they came from.
Replaying everything over and over again in my head to find the right words to describe my feelings at the time, to remember why I chose to walk away from that relationship….because once I did, the words of self-doubt and ‘not good enough’, ‘not special enough’, ‘not loveable enough’, ‘not worth fighting for’ were all screaming in my head.

Explanations of what went on and who he is to convince myself I did the right thing, that I made a healthy choice. But all of this language to understand and make sense of it all has just added to the noise in my head, the self-doubt and the confusion…more ammunition for the demons to play with.

It is true that ‘The devil is in the details.’

Our mind, and the way the brain functions, needs to make sense of things and create patterns to organize and understand things, which is all good and useful for it's purpose, yet we rely way too much on our minds and so little on our gut instinct or intuition. That inner knowing that doesn’t require all the workings of the brain.

In yoga, my teachers and myself, as well, talk about quieting down the mind in order to get in touch with your inner voice and your intuition. Your inner wisdom. It’s just a knowing. The heart and the soul does not work in language, it works in a deeper knowing. I even use words to try to help remember that I had the knowing and to try to remember what that knowing was! WORDS, so many words…almost like an addiction that I keep relying on.

I could go over my break up and his dysfunctional behaviours, what happened, why it happened, what I should have said, what I should have done (listen to my intuition in the first place) to get more and more understanding ,thinking it will help me in letting go . I could spin these words over and over in my head and in my journal for another year plus and I likely won’t get any closer to healing.

I need to stop using the language of the mind and trust the knowing of my soul.

Beauty and the Beast

I went for a hike yesterday around what’s called The  4 Lakes and the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. I was walking up a forested path with trees, mountains and a   picturesque waterfall on one side of me and the calmness of a still, blue lake on the other side. It felt like I was walking through a story book; a fairy tale. And as I was enjoying the surreal beauty and peacefulness of the walk I became acutely aware of the possible presence of wild animals as noted in my article below and I thought to myself: 

Don’t allow the monsters to ruin or prevent you from seeing all the beauty that surrounds you. Don’t let them scare off all of the beauty within you.  I told myself that the monsters in your head, after all, are just a figment of your imagination born from wounds, wounds from misperceptions of a child’s mind.  

The monsters in reality are afraid of YOU, so they use scare tactics as their defenses against you. They know you are more powerful, it’s only YOU that does not know this. Why do you think they fight back so hard? Why do you think they are so relentless? Because they know you are stronger and you could take them out. 

They will do whatever they can to survive: trickery, become louder, project images onto your mind to prove they are real and they are stronger. They will even have you experience repeated hurtful patterns externally and repeated self-sabotaging patterns internally to prove their realness and strength. Yet, what you don’t realize (because they are so sly and deceiving) is that it is actually YOU creating these situations just by the sheer fact of believing in them!  

It reminds me of the lives of circus elephants. As babies they are chained by the ankle so they can’t escape their cage. When they grow up to be big, strong, magnificent animals, who can now break that chain with their  own strength, they don’t. They don’t escape that life of entrapment and cruelty, even though they can, because they have learned to believe that, that weak chain can still retain them and hold them to their cage. 

So for the rest of my hike, I decided not to believe in the beasts, and I continued my walk in solitude and freedom taking in all the beauty. I decided I was going to write a new story, my own fairy tale.

Being Bear Smart

Where I live is beautiful with lots of wondrous mountains, flowing rivers, an omnipotent ocean and lush forests. But amongst all this beauty there is a presence of danger. While enjoying nature’s beauty you may encounter wild and dangerous animals, especially bears, who habitat these lands - a large, powerful animal that may be hungry, scared or just in a bad mood. Residents who live in this part of the country or tourists visiting this scenic area receive pamphlets on what to do if you encounter one of these wild animals:

• Don’t panic

• Never feed the bear

• Indentify yourself as a human by talking in a calm tone of voice

• It may try to intimidate you by popping its jaws or swat while blowing and snorting

• It may lunge toward you or bluff charge you, but will turn away

• Although scary, you are not likely to be hurt

• Do not provoke or try to fight off the bear

• If the bear does attack you offensively, fight back with any weapon you can find

• Do not play dead

• Never run. Running could invite pursuit

• Stand your ground and face the bear

Great advice for our own monsters that are lurking in the dark forests of our mind. When you are faced with your own “dangerous” monster, do not panic. Stop feeding the monsters with your negative thoughts, your addictions, your obsessions, and any of your other unhealthy behaviours.

Talk to them from your adult self, that wise, knowing self. Soothe them with a calm tone of voice and do not attack them. They may try to intimidate you with their scare tactics, threatening your safety. Call their bluff and they will eventually retreat.

If your monsters are relentless and are hurting you - fight back. Fight back with all the strength you have inside of you, do not roll over and play dead. Do not let them win or believe they have won.

Never run away from your monsters. You can’t escape your monsters by running away from them because they will run after you. You cannot outrun your monsters because they will always been in pursuit and they are much faster than you.

You cannot escape them by trying to hide from them or fight them off (through your addictions, obsessions and other distractions) because when they come to, when they find you they will fight back harder and fiercer.

You escape your monsters by facing them and standing up to them and letting them know who is in control. Identify yourself as a wise, confident, powerful human being!

Who is responsible?

I wrote this article for an online magazine: examiner.com

When our life isn’t working out the way we want it to, we often blame external things or other people. The relationship isn’t working because he is dysfunctional, your job isn’t recognizing your full potential, or you aren’t making enough money and can’t afford a vacation. And it’s because of this or because of that, this circumstance or that person. Although these may manifest as external problems, it is often emotions or thought patterns that hold us back.

We believe we are victims to circumstances and other people. That it is someone else’s or something else’s fault that we are not happy or getting what we want in life. Something out side of us is causing us to be unhappy or stuck. And even if you don’t think you are blaming someone or something else, you probably are if you are not taking 100% responsibility for what is going on in your life and for your unhappiness. Be careful not to blame others for who you have chosen to be or what you have chosen to believe about yourself.

Sure, maybe it is true that you are in a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person or that your boss is a tyrant, but these are all choices you made. I am not saying they are good choices or bad choices or that they are right or wrong choices, I am saying that you and only you made the choice. Even how you reacted, perceived it, or perhaps, made it mean something about you, is your choosing.

Perhaps an unconscious choosing due to your own self-negative thoughts and self-beliefs, but it is your responsibility to clean these up … without judgment and blame towards yourself as well. Merely become aware of what they are, and then realize it is you who is choosing to continue to believe and act upon these thoughts and beliefs through your choices and through your reactions. They are 100% your thoughts and 100% your emotions, no one else is thinking or feeling for you.

Taking 100% responsibility for your life may sound difficult or scary but it can be very freeing too because you will know that you have the power to choose. Choose who you allow in your life, choose how you react to situations and choose how you perceive certain events. You can unlock from the shackles of blame and resentment and take your power back.

Ask yourself the following questions. If you were 100% responsible for yourself:
What would you do for yourself today?

What choices would you make?

What boundaries would you set?

What would you stop doing?

What or who would you let go of?

What would you open up to?

By being 100% responsible for your life, you learn to be able to respond to your own needs, build a sense of personal authority and save yourself because no one else is coming to rescue you.

Letting the Enemy In

I open the door wide and let them in.

Oh I try to blame others for it, spend my time analyzing the other person’s issues, how they hurt me, how I am the victim, but it is only I that let the enemy in. And I make the enemy stronger by repeating the same self-defeating thoughts and make the enemy stronger by continuing to believe these false self-beliefs. Beliefs created so long ago with an innocent child’s mind and sensitive heart.

Unskilled behaviours of the adults I looked up to, looked to for love, support and understanding and when it was dysfunctional, it created my sense of self, how I felt about myself and who I thought I was. And I realize I am still operating from that same place decades later! I am not who I think I am. These thoughts, these beliefs are what are creating the pain inside … nothing external. I am the one feeding the imaginary monster.

We let the enemy in when we are weak.
We let the enemy in every time we lie to ourselves and make excuses and justifications for our unhealthy or addictive behaviours.
We let the enemy in every time we listen to our negative thoughts and destructive self-beliefs and self criticism.
We let the enemy in when we try to control or manipulate a situation or person to feed our own unhealthy emotional needs.
We let the enemy in when we aren’t compassionate with ourselves and forgive our mistakes.
We let the enemy in when we don’t believe in ourselves and don’t trust ourselves.
We let the enemy in when we choose not to listen to our instincts, our feelings and our own inner knowing.

I have not been a good guard of my gateway to my heart and soul ... the gateway to inner peace … the gateway to my happiness.

Not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for ourselves…we allow the enemy in. And when the enemy does get in we blame others, external things and allow it to beat ourselves up.

The real battle is inside. Not out there with something or someone else.